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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  May 18, 2011 2:00am-2:30am PDT

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>> you guys want to do some farewell shots? >> absolutely. >> all right, here we go. >> hawky lived a fast, hard life. some stars shine so bright that they burn out before their time. we're going to miss you, hawky. (coughing) okay, you ready boys? >> yeah. >> ♪ hawky never spoke much but he had his doo-doo-doo-wop buzzing around ♪ doo-doo-wop that hive in the sky yellow jacket hawky, oh, yeah we bid you good-bye ♪ woo-woo-hoo buzz. ♪ captioned by media access group at wgbh at wgbh access.wgbh.org p>
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>> may 17, 2011, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [applause] >> jon: welcome one and all to "the daily anthenaeum" show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight, folks. my guest tonight, annie jacobsen. she's author of the bookary" 51." so you know what you're getting a little bit of tonight, ladies and gentlemen? truth. [laughter] now, obviously over the past couple of weeks, there have been a lot of very important issues that we've had to discuss here on the program, issues that may have been waylaid by perhaps more pressing issues that we've had to discuss, like the death
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of bin laden, the hard-core porn in bin laden's house. [laughter] hard-core poets, rhyming in the people's house, and finally the distractions are over. we here at "the daily show" can get back to our core mission, discussing the important issues of the day, such as immigration policy in a respectful, sober manner. you're welcome. [laughter] to the debate. >> in a bombshell announcement, former california governor arnold schwarzenegger now admits to fathering a child with a longtime household staffer. >> jon: oh, for [bleeped]. [laughter] this close. damn you nearly irresistible comic possibilities. funny accent, built-in movie poster fun. sure, yes, obviously, sure.
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you know, we didn't even write these tonight. we just showed up here this morning and they were already here. [laughter] some type of snark fairy. oh, for god's sake. that's... i don't think... well, that actually could be "kindergarten cook." [laughter] quirk? ah, [bleeped]. some of his movie titles we didn't even have to change. yeah. or yeah. [laughter] here's the worst part acted arnold schwarzenegger's balls that i did not realize, apparently they are pinned on like you would do in a children's game of pin the balls on the schwarzenegger. the question is: which one of those balls is schwarzenegger and which one is danny devito?
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who knows which one they'll voice. but no, no, resist, resist, stay focused. we're doing immigration because that is the issue our president chose to focus on just after he flew to pakistan and killed osama bin laden with his bare hands. in the first presidential execution since f.d.r. rolled over hitler in a wheelchair. yeah, you're going down, hitler! really? nobody watches the history channel? nobody? [laughter] well, don't. listen to barack obama in his first non-bin laden death-related appearance. >> what we really need to do is to keep up the fight to pass genuine comprehensive reform. look at you, spending all that bin laden capital on an important social issue. what do you want us to do? >> stopping illegal immigration also depends on reforming our outdated system of legal immigration. businesses have to be held accountable if they exploit undocumented workers so that
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there's no longer a massive underground economy that exploits a cheap source of labor. we need to provide our farms a legal way to hire workers. we should make it easier for the best and the brightest. we need to pass the dream act. >> jon: that's a lot of stuff to do. i mean, that's an impressive list, but here's the thing, are you the "kill bin laden" obama saying this or the "i'm going to close gitmo" obama saying, this because only one of those tuesday actually gets [bleeped] done. hmm? so if immigration reform faces such an uphill battle, why is obama taking it on now? for more we're joined by our new correspondent al madrigal, our senior latino correspondent. nice to see you. [cheers and applause] al, pleasure to see you. you are and you will be... you will be our senior latino correspondent. >> it's actually pronounced
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senor, jon, but thank you. good to be here. >> jon: well, it's interesting obama is raising this whole immigration debate now. >> ah, not really. i mean it's just like cinco de mayo, jon, once a year you guys feign interest in our culture by ordering a platter of fajitas at an appleby's and the next day we're back to being the valet you don't make eye contact with. but guess what, barack, we ain't nobody's fajitas. >> jon: that was nice. you actually think obama then is not serious about this? you think he's pandering? >> come on, jon, he's had his whole term to do something about immigration and he's just bringing it up now? that would be like, i don't know, having your own show for 12 years, hiring every race, religion and creed of correspondent under the sun -- indian, britts, blacks, two canadians -- then when the
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demographic numbers become completely unavoidable, you hope to make up for it by googling "mexican comedian" and voila. [laughter] [applause] >> jon: that would be quite a cynical move. >> i mean, it's just so culturally insensitive, and by the way, i am a little offended that your make-up lady covered up my teardrop tattoo. >> jon: i'm sure she wasn't trying to... doesn't that mean, that teardrop tattoo means you killed somebody. >> only on the right eye. on the left side it means i tried to kill someone but they got away. i'm really sad about it. [laughter] >> jon: obama's plan, al, does sound pretty reasonable. you get caught here illegally, you pay a fine, you learn english, you head to the back of the line for citizenship. >> or as some people like the
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call it... >> explicit amnesty. >> a way of saying amnesty. >> amnesty of up to two million people. >> paying the price far crime you've committed isn't amnesty. >> jon: but illegal immigrants are still committing a crime. >> or is it entrapment? america the beautiful, purple mountains majesty? this place has got it all. mexicans can see las vegas from their casas, jon. hmm, what am i going to do? i can get beheaded on this side of a border for driving down a street controlled by some scarface wannabe, or i can go over to the shiny place where big boob blonde girls in dolphin shorts serve me cocktails while i play blackjack. hit me. >> jon: i guess we make it kind of hard not to come here. >> you're getting something out of it, too. >> jon: like a cheap labor force? >> and self-esteem. undocumented workers aren't just taking the jobs you don't want to do, they're taking the stair
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types you don't want to be called, like lazy. >> jon: al, everybody calls americans lazy. >> yeah, but the good kind of lazy, rich lazy, spread out on a leather couch watching "the price is right" while the roomba vacuums your room. you don't want to be latino lazy, no es bueno, jon. >> jon: don't you resent those misconceptions? >> of course, just like you redisengtding people who think jews control the media. [laughter] >> jon: the media. >> wait, not the median, the things in the middle of the road? >> jon: we don't control the things in the middle of the road. people say we control the media, not the medians. >> oh, wow. so we can sell oranges wherever we want. hey, guys, he said it's cool.
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>> jon: all right. thank you, al. al madrigal, everybody. we'll be right back. jon jon welcome back, everybody.
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as we all now know, just yesterday donald trump announced at the nbc fall schedule unveiling that he would not be seeking the office of the presidency. his announcements followed quickly by the announcement that
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amanda peet will be going to series. both important. luckily trump did not allow the objective reality of his failed presidential run to dampen his imaginary presidential victory. >> this decision does not come easily without regret, especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by the ranking at the top of the republican contenders in polls across the country. i maintain the strong conviction that if i were to run, i would be able to win the primary. i love this guy. and ultimately the general election. >> jon: i very easily could have become the leader of the free world, restored america's status abroad and such and such, but i realized i can do for more good and mankind building upscale golf courses and condominiums in the greater tri-state area as well as keeping meatloaf on the straight and narrow. mr. trump, i can't help but think you left the race too soon. you raised so many questions, like what did your crack team of
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investigators find in hawaii? >> i have people who have been studying it, and they cannot believe what they're finding. >> you have people down there in hawaii searching? >> absolutely. they cannot believe what they're finding. >> jon: you never told us. [laughter] will we believe it? was it an amulet? a cursed am you let that makes the wearer believe he has information that doesn't actually exist? [laughter] it's not just the country that you're letting down, it's you. you're letting donald trump down. you know, a great man once said when it became clear she would rather walk away from her support role as they tried to create a say dog shampooing business that she would rather walk away than continue to wattle the terrible person that is star jones. >> you shouldn't quit. if you quit, it's going to follow you for the rest of your life. >> they're saying to walk away. >> you went this far. for you to quit is stupid.
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>> you're fired and you're a quitter and star jones kicked your ass whether you like it or not. [laughter] >> jon: well, donald, it appears the nanny leaker has become the nanny leaky. you quit. you had us all convinced you would take oil from libya and iraq and make the chinese suck your giant gold balls. turns out you just have aluminum foil painted gold balls. probably chocolate inside. high quality chocolate. they're more like ferrer0 roccher balls with a little hazelnut. don't quit. look, donald, we went in way over our heads banking on your running for president. we spent $450 million we don't have build "the daily anthenaeum" she's donald trump presidential joke headquarters. we were just a week away from completing the project with its
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final touches. that's reality betten golden alpaca fur. we had a whole team sweep it up like that. i waited my whole life far presidential candidate like you, a mix of arrogance with lack of filter and easily exploitable physical traits. seriously. look at you. you look like the offspring of if lou dobbs and jim cramer [bleeped] a muppet. [laughter] no one wanted you to be president. we just wanted to watch you run. but if you won't listen to me, perhaps you'll listen to this little boy i found breathing steam in front of the diner each morning where i breakfast. "please, sir, please, can we have some more." i'm sorry, little boy, it's over. >> it can't be over, jon,
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because i purchased some things already with the trump joke bonus money that you promised me. >> >> jon: john, i told you not to get anything. >> i just made some real estate purchases, jon, relax. i used after last dollar of the crotch monster 5,000, my new jet ski, jon. >> jon: who is that girl on the back of your jet ski? >> i don't know. she came with the jet ski. the point, is i'm broke, jon. i even had to sell the fingers on my gloves. >> jon: pull yourself together, oliver. >> i'm sorry. >> jon: god dammit, trump, look what you're doing. run, for god's sake, run. america needs you. >> run, please, please. >> jon: john oliver, >> jon: john oliver, every
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my guest tonight, con trib utilitying editor at the los angeles times magazine and an investigative reporter.
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her new book is called an undemocratic national censored history of america's top secrets. please welcome annie jacobsen. hello. [applause] thank you so much for being here. this is really a great book. area 51. so this is area 51 is a military base. >> yes, it is. it's a military base in southern never never, 75 miles from vegas. >> jon: 75 miles from vegas. >> we set off 100 nuclear bombs there during the cold war in the air. >> jon: above vegas. >> a little north of vegas. >> jon: is that how vegas began? because at around the same time this nuclear radiation is spilling out over the desert, bugsy siegel had an idea. >> yes, maybe that's why vegas is the way it is. >> jon: what happens in vegas stays in vegas, especially the radiation. [laughter] >> and what happens at area 51 has stayed at area 51 until my
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book. >> jon: but how did you know what happened at area 51? >> well, i interviewed 74 men with direct access to the base, 32 of whom lived and worked there for extended periods of time. so i got the kind of scoop of what really was going on there starting in '51. >> jon: here's the craziest part about your book. you do all this research. you debunk the idea that it's aliens. >> based on a source, yes. >> jon: based on a source. but what is in the book is actually almost more disturbing than the idea that there was an alien visitation in roswell. president clinton had to petition them to inform him when he was president what happens there. >> yes, president clinton investigated the crimes of the atomic energy commission, who is in charge of part of the base out there, and they denied some information to him based on the idea that he didn't have a need to know about it.
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the whole base works on a need to know, so you only get to know what you need to know. and they felt the president didn't need to know some things, and i write about that... >> jon: who decides that the president doesn't need to know? that's i guess my point. there is a guy, oh, the president, that's okay, he doesn't need to know? >> well, it's unfortunate, but i start the book out by explaining to you that the atomic energy commission, now called the d.o.'em, the department of energy, they have a separate system of secret keeping from the president's system. this is a fact. it's not known by a lot of people, but it's how i begin the book because it plays to the whole narrative about what is going on out there and why it is the way it is. now, the atomic energy commission isn't the only organization out there. you have the pentagon, the department of defense, the c.i.a. >> jon: the illuminati, the masons. but the famous story of the aliens that land in roswell and
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get take on the area 51, the story you come up with in the book based on an eyewitness that you trust implicitly is far crazier almost than aliens. tell us that story. >> it is. well, i'll preface it by saying this, i got a message from a conspiracy theorist group in the u.k., and that were very upset with me and said, even we don't believe you. >> jon: we don't believe you and we're nuts. [laughter] >> right, right. >> jon: you believe that stalin sent a spacecraft to us in the '50s because they didn't have a nuclear bomb yet. they thought they could do an orson wells-type scare. who was on the spacecraft? >> well, there were some child-sized aviators. that's what is most disturbing about my book. i hope you start at page one. >> jon: you really should because you don't want to start with the disturbing parts, like someone i know did. >> but it was in 1947 that stalin sent this craft.
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and it really did land in new mexico according to my source who received the equipment at area 51. >> jon: and the two brothers that found this craft... >> the two brothers who designed it were former german aerospace... they used to work for hitler, as a lot of our scientists did. >> jon: sure. we all worked for hitler at some point. >> they certainly did. but the horton brothers created this flying disk originally for the third reich, and then stalin stepped in and took away a lot of their scientists and the united states' government took a lot of the third reich scientists for us. and so what went on, a lot of what went on at area 51 was this intense scientific pushing science to the great extreme. that's what i write about. >> jon: are they still doing, that and how much of the files did they open up to you? >> well, none of the files about the stalin disk are opened up at all. that information came only from
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an anonymous... the only source i keep anonymous in my book is... >> jon: they don't admit that area 51 exists. our government does not admit there's an area 51. put up the picture of area 51. that's how big the damn thing is, and they say it doesn't exist. >> anyone... if you call up the air force, you can get them on the phone and ask them, and they'll tell you no comment or they won't say it exists. jon january let me just very quickly urge my audience tonight not to drunk dial the air force please. [laughter] you have no idea what that just unleashed on college campuses right now. there are going to be bombing raids at fraternity houses. nuke v.c.u. do you think we will ever quite understand the depth of our military research that has occurred at area 51? >> well, i write about programs that went on in the '50s and the '60 has the have been
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declassified, but the name "area 51" is always blacked out of the declassified documents. so who knows what is going on there '70s, '80s, '90s. the drones that we fight the war on terror with are being developed there, were developed there and are being developed in the future. >> jon: wouldn't it be cool if they just gave up on that [bleeped] and now they're like, i want to make a banana that you can eat the skin. i mean, it's all just... [laughter] read it from page one. it will blow your mind. area 51 is on the bookshelves now. annie jacobsen, thanks for being here. ♪ [ male announcer ] when you're looking for a twist,
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